Vivid Imaginings

I’m not one for rainy days. It seems to drain the color from everything. Never been much of an outdoorsmen either; however, when the ability to go outside is denied I get a little stir-crazy. We always seem to want what we can't have. As a kid I lived for the weekends… well, not much has changed in that respect. Being forced to stay inside was a two day sentence of boredom. This feeling of incarceration was heightened when you had a new bike sitting in the garage mocking you with its potential good times. With no break in the bad weather in sight, there was only one thing a kid could fall back on… imagination. I have a pretty vivid imagination. Even now my thoughts, on occasion, wonder the halls of endless possibilities. But when I was a little boy, I was a master. A blanket thrown in a pile became an elaborate system of tunnels for my action figures to explore. Tinfoil, when wrapped around a GI Joe, was a steel prison for the criminally insane… Joe’s gone bad. I would find some way to take my mind off the fact that I wasn’t outside riding that new Schwinn. My imagination, as stated above, is vivid and very active but a lot has changed since those days of youth. No longer does it stay within the confines of entertainment but it careens into the territory of unpleasantness. An imagination can be a good thing and most of the time it is. Lately though I've been plagued with horrid imaginings, dealing mostly with my current situation. I find that no matter how I try and occupy my thoughts they keep turning on me. That's kind of an odd thing isn't it? Battling your own thoughts. An overwhelming task to say the lest, but the battle must be fought and won. I still feel like that little boy waiting for the rain to stop falling and the clouds to clear so I can enjoy what I've been longing for. It's raining hard for me, and I'm outside in it. My clothes are soaked. The skin on my finger tips have started to wrinkle. I can tell that, inside my shoes, the same is happening to my toes. Looking around me I see that the path I'm on is not paved, but muddy. Thick mud, the kind that sucks at the bottom of your boots with every step and coats them in filth. However,there is some comfort in knowing that this will not be an easy journey, no short cuts. No signs point me in the right direction, I have to trust that the way I take will lead me to where I want to be. The wind howls in my ears, peppering my thoughts with doubt and uncertainty. With a heavy heart and soul I take the first step. I'm not watching where I'm going. Does it really matter where or is it just enough that I go? Who's to say. But I'm on my way...

The Sea of life

I never thought that I would be where I am today. As a child, I told my parents that I wanted to be a trash man. I know, my standards were set high at the get go. I use to think that the trash compacter on the back of the truck was the coolest thing. Needless to say that dream was only one a child could have. I mean who really wants to be a trash man? Later I moved on into the realm of wanting to be a superhero. Again, I know. I set the bar from as low as it goes to the very top. Who the hell wouldn’t want to be a superhero? I use to run around in my Spiderman underwear with a matching tee-shirt and a blanket tied around my neck for a cape. Hey, you might be saying to yourself, Spidee didn’t have a cape… I was a kid, OK? All hero’s had capes if they were cool. I would run around and jump off things. The best spot was standing on top of the AC unit when the fan was on. Cape’s have to flap in the wind… they just do. But I digress. My point is, people have all kinds of dreams. Those as a child change into ones that are more realistic and obtainable when we hit adulthood. As time went by other dreams and aspirations would enter into my life. Most would come and go with the changing of the tides. Some would stick, and are still a part of what I want out of life. The funny thing about dreams are that some, when obtained, are not what we thought they would be. We work so hard at gaining them that we never stop to think what if… what if our dreams don’t work out? So you go through life wanting a few things out of it, like we all do. Some want the world, others… just a few things. A house with a white picket fence, wanting to start a family, getting that great job, and hopefully these dreams are fulfilled. I wanted to be a husband, to care for someone special and have them care for me. Many of my friends already know that I am going through a divorce. This is something that I never thought I would be going through. I am sure that many people have had the same thought as I. There is nothing special or unique about what is happening to me. Which sucks to put it bluntly. I feel like my world is crashing down around me, and no one understands my pain. Not true. Most Americans go through a divorce and that is sad. Maybe I am old fashioned, but marriage should not be taken lightly. The only things I can see people getting a divorce over are infidelity, abuse, and drug addiction. All the other problems couples have can be worked out. I know people think they have extenuating circumstances, but you don’t. You have to work for everything you want in life. There are no hand outs and very rarely are things easy. I think that I can explain the way I view marriage if I describe it, so here goes. Picture life like a great sea, with waves and tides and other little things in it. In this sea there are little islands. These islands represent goals and accomplishments. There are many islands but they are very spread a part. You can’t stay on an island very long, because life moves on, and you must swim to the next. While you swim to the next one you have to carry a rock, it’s as big as you make it. This rock is all your responsibilities in life. When you get married you swim with your spouse. The rock you both had becomes one, which requires both of you to support it while making your way to the next island. You make your way to different islands and the rock may get bigger or smaller but it’s always there for the two of you to carry, like a team. In the sea of life things can get rocky. There will be storms, large squalls you may think there is no way you can make it through, but you can. It takes determination and dedication to the vows and trust you placed in the hands of your partner when you married. So, in some cases your spouse gives up. “Oh, look a bird…” they cease holding up their share of the rock to swim somewhere else. Your first reaction is panic. This rock that was being carried by two has just gone to one. It’s too much and you start to slip below the surface of the sea. Water fills your lungs and the sun dims the deeper you plunge. You have to think fast or this is it, your lungs burn with the lack of air. Desperately you start to split the rock into smaller parts. Just small enough so you can break the surface and breath. After this you are aren’t left with much… And that swim will seem to take forever. But you will make it. It’s only you and the sea now. Life is funny like that sometimes. You will never leave this world empty handed. Life will throw a lot of things your way, weather you want them or not. My dream… one I thought I had obtained, slipped from my grasp. Now I’m back where I started… page one, day one. But my dream still lives on.